You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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