Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
