So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
