I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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