if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
