I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
