Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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