he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
