Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
