Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The beer is more important than you right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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