we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize