You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
