Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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