The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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