I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
