Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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