I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dear god my vagina.
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