Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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