the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
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