I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
