i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Girls should come with a carfax report
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
