My first STD was from a foam party
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize