someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
