did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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