My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
