Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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