??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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