I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
