So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I touched a dick in church today
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
