Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
