my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
