I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
