At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
