I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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