actually, I'm a sock model
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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