Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
