Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
