She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
