bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
