I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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