When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
