If that was your dad, he is hot
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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