On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
