Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize