She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize