Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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