i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
