Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
