The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
