i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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