...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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