she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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