you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
