im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
