That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
