They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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