it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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