Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
