Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
