Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize